


Age Is Relative

by cheshcat



Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Do You Have Time To Talk About Our Lord And Saviour Guilt, F/M, Guilt, The Only Character Who Ruminates More Than I Do, With A Side Of Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26587546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheshcat/pseuds/cheshcat
Summary: Despite their obvious attraction, Max decides that he's too old for captain Alex Hawthorne - and trying to respect his decision causes problems for them both.
Relationships: The Captain/Maximillian DeSoto
Comments: 21
Kudos: 56





	1. A Technicality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have a priest kink, or am I just into older men? Questions I did not expect the shooty shooty sci-fi game to pose to me.

'Is this a good time?' Alex asked, leaning in the doorway to the vicar's quarters.

He jumped slightly. Absorbed in his religious ponderings, as ever, he hadn't heard her approach down the corridor.

'Yes,' he murmured, gesturing for her to come in, 'yes, now is fine.'

Max stood up from behind his small desk in a hurry, jostling it with his leg and knocking one of the books to the floor. He cursed quietly under his breath, bending down to pick it up as Alex closed the door behind her.

'You said you wanted to talk,' she continued. 'In private?'

'Yes, Captain,' he replied, sliding the book back into place on the bookshelf before turning to look at her.

She quirked an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to go on.

'I don't know how to introduce this topic gracefully,' he began, 'so I'm just going to get right to it.'

He took a deep breath before he spoke again, the words tumbling out of his mouth.

'You're a very attractive young woman, Al-- Captain.' He was having trouble meeting her eyes and missed her eyebrows shooting upwards. 'You are brave, compassionate, quite possibly insane, and I am deeply honoured to be a part of your crew, but--'

He began to falter, looking uncharacteristically flustered.

'But I've seen the way you look at me, and as much as I want to-- you--'

Max pinched the bridge of his nose, defeated in his attempts to be eloquent.

'I'm too old for you.'

Alex was largely successful in masking her surprise - and disappointment. She watched him for a few moments before responding.

'Technically, I'm _at least_ fifty years older than you, you know.'

'Yes, well,' Max chuckled quietly, 'even so.'

She continued to gaze at him, weighing up his declaration. Alex knew the attraction was mutual. She'd caught him looking more than once, sin in his eyes, and she hadn't really tried to hide her own infatuation, trusting that sufficient teasing would inevitably lead to a steamy tryst which may or may not involve the desecration of an altar. Apparently, Max had other ideas.

'I'm not sure that's entirely your decision to make,' she said eventually, 'but I will respect it.'

Alex straightened up a little, formality seeping back into her demeanour.

'I trust you are still happy to serve on my crew, Vicar?' she asked, holding out a hand. Max grasped it in a firm handshake.

'Of course, captain,' he replied, a pang of loss in his chest.


	2. Violent Enthusiasm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's actually illegal to write a Vicar Max fic and not include this scene.

It was Parvarti who appeared in the vicar's doorway the next morning.

'Captain says to saddle up, Vicar,' she beamed at him. 'We're goin' to find your translator.'

'Thank you, Parvarti. I'll be there shortly.'

The mechanic gave him one last grin before trotting off, as cheerful as ever. Max, however, felt a potent swirl of rage twist in his stomach.

'You're an angry old fool,' he muttered to himself, unable to stop his hands from curling into fists at his side, knuckles white in anticipation.

* * *

'Your scholar friend goes _gold panning_?' Alex asked.

'Is gold even worth anything anymore?' she muttered to herself, paging through Chaney's notes.

'I guess just knowing things don't pay the rent,' offered Parvarti, looking perplexed. 'Even if French _is_ real fancy.'

Max was too impatient to humour them.

'Where is this waterfall?'

Alex gave him a stern look. Something was wrong; she could feel the tension radiating off him. At first she'd put it down to awkwardness: they'd barely been off the ship fifteen minutes and she'd already had to bite back no less than three flirty witticisms - but this was something else.

'Just outside of town,' she told him. 'Follow me. Mind the sprats.'

Parvarti wittered amiably as they passed through the rest of Fallbrook, apparently oblivious to the vicar's mood and the captain's growing concern.

'Hope you don't mind getting your feet wet,' Alex remarked as they approached the water, although the attempt to lighten the mood failed miserably. Even Parvarti had gone quiet now, sensing the tension.

Max's pace increased as they rounded the curve of the river and a campfire came into view.

'Max,' Alex warned. He wasn't listening, overtaking her to head towards the silhouetted figure ahead of them.

'Chaney!' 

The man in front of them turned around, Alex and Parvarti having to jog a little to keep up with the vicar.

'Vicar Max? What are you doing on Monarch?' Chaney asked as the three of them approached. 'I thought scienticians ain't welcome here.'

'Haven't you heard? _Everyone's_ welcome here.' Max hissed. 'It's a fucking worker's paradise - but you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?'

He got up in the other man's face.

'Never worked a day in your miserable life. You're just a parasite living off my goodwill. Well, guess what? My goodwill's exhausted, along with my _t_ _emper._ '

With the last word, he grabbed fistfuls of Chaney's shirt.

' _Max._ ' Alex repeated, raising her voice to cut across his tirade and get his attention. 'Who the hell is this guy?'

'This is the guy who told me about the book while we were in prison,' he explained through gritted teeth. 'I lied about finding a scholar. I don't care. I just want to inflict massive amounts of _pain_ on this guy.'

'Wait, please,' the man begged. 'I know who can translate the book for you!'

'Too late,' Max growled, 'I threw away my life chasing fairy tales. Will punishing you fix any of that? Of course not, but by Law, it will make me feel a whole lot better.'

He shoved Chaney, backing him up against the rock walls of the canyon.

'Max, stop,' Alex insisted, putting a hand on his arm. He pushed her away, hard, and she stumbled backwards. She was vaguely aware of Parvarti shouting something behind her as she watched Max bring his fist around in slow motion, clocking Chaney a solid hit across the face. His head shot back and struck the rock behind him with a sickening thud.

'Fucking _stop_ ,' she shouted, shoving herself between Max and the man he was about to beat to a bloody pulp. He was blind with rage, but she got up in his face anyway. She felt his hands close around her arms, ready to throw her out of the way again, and pressed herself forwards against him.

'Stop,' she said again, quieter this time. 'You're really going to give up everything you've ever believed in just for revenge?'

His grip was painfully tight around her arms, but she seemed to have broken through the red curtain of his anger. He was looking at her, at least, his eyes flickering erratically over her face.

'Why not? What's any of it worth anyway?' he asked.

'Max, please,' she whispered, moved by the desperation in his voice. She could feel his heart beating hard in his chest, their faces so close that his breath stirred her hair. 'Maybe the answer you're looking for _is_ in that book.'

She watched his expression change as he visibly put the rage back in its box by sheer force of will.

'I will take you anywhere you need to go to find your answers,' she told him, 'but I'm not going to let you do _this._ '

He stared at her for a moment before finally letting go.

'Okay,' he muttered. 'Okay.'

Alex released a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding.

Chaney was out cold - but still alive - and Parvarti was a jittery mess. The captain sighed, feeling a little shaky from adrenaline herself.

'Go back to the ship, both of you.'

Parvarti turned tail immediately, although Max had the gall to protest.

'But--'

'No fucking buts,' she growled, her patience exhausted. 'That was an order.'

She glared at the vicar, daring him to disagree. He didn't.

'I will ask Chaney about the translator when he comes round,' she insisted. 'Now please get the fuck out of my sight.'


	3. Repentance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For real, I'm not into priests. I'm just into _this_ priest, even if he can be kind of a knob.

To say the ship was tense would be an understatement. It hadn't taken Ellie long to drag the full story out of Parvarti, and Max was brooding in his quarters with the door closed, stewing in his own juices.

It was several hours until Alex herself returned, having dragged the unconscious Chaney back to his domicile and waited - not without trepidation - for him to wake up. By some miracle, he had escaped with only a concussion and no major brain damage; he even managed to use full sentences while telling her about the original owner of the void-damned book. She gave him a thousand bits for the trouble and kindly requested that he stay the fuck out of their way in future. It didn't take much convincing.

Alex avoided everyone when she got back to the ship, heading straight for the shower to try and wash away the events of the day. As she stood under the steaming water, rolling her shoulders and feeling the tension ebb out of her body, she found herself laughing bitterly.

She'd imagined getting close to Max more than once: pressing herself against him, feeling his heartbeat, the strength in his arms. Well, now she'd done it for real, and it wasn't all it cracked up to be. Her fantasies of tempting a holy man into delicious sin felt a bit hollow when he harboured a borderline psychotic rage already.

Rinsing shampoo out of her hair, Alex tried to ignore the deeper disappointment that sat like a stone in her belly, a dark echo in the back of her mind. Max had let her down today, sure, but she still... God, she still _wanted_ him. She pressed her forehead against the tile, closing her eyes and willing the feelings away. Underpinning it all was a purely emotional ache; a loneliness she couldn't bear to acknowledge, lest it crush her completely.

Alex sighed, stepping out of the shower and drying herself off. As she wrapped a towel around herself, she caught sight of her arms, both of which were purpled with bruises from Max's grip. _Damnit,_ she thought, _under different circumstances that could be so hot._

Distracted as she was, she practically walked straight into him as she left the communal bathroom.

'Oh, uh, Captain,' he stammered. 'Sorry. I wanted to talk to you.'

Alex gave him a cool look, trying to decide if she was still angry with him. He looked so wretched, she concluded that she wasn't.

'Give me ten minutes, then drop by my quarters,' she said, walking past him before he had time to reply.

'Thank you, Captain,' he called to her retreating back. She waved a hand in the air without turning around, oblivious to his lingering gaze.

* * *

Exactly ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door to her quarters. Always punctual was her vicar. _Her vicar._ She'd have to put a stop to that kind of thinking.

'Come in,' she called, still dabbing at her wet hair with a towel. 

She heard the door open and turned around to see Max standing in the doorway. 

'I said _come in,_ ' Alex repeated, throwing her towel over the back of a chair. She gave him a wan smile, trying to put him at ease.

'Thank you, Captain,' he said, closing the door behind him and walking up the stairs. 'I wanted to thank you for talking some sense into me back there with Chaney. It's been a long time since I gave into my... violent enthusiasm.'

She gave him a wry look.

'Is that what you call it?'

Max almost smiled back, but his face dropped when his gaze landed on her bare arms.

'Alex. Captain. I'm so sorry.'

He crossed the distance between them in a heartbeat, standing close and brushing the backs of his fingers over the bruised skin.

'I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry. The anger-- I forget myself.' He looked about ready to choke on the guilt.

'You should see the other guy,' Alex murmured, managing a lopsided grin for him.

That, at least, elicited a chuckle. Max seemed to remember himself, taking a small step backwards to put a respectable, I'm-too-old-for-you distance between them again.

'Is he--'

'He's fine,' she told him. Max sagged with relief. 'He's pretty concussed, but no permanent damage. Told me where to go to translate your damn book.'

She gave the vicar a hard look, leaning back against the desk and crossing her arms.

'So, care to explain yourself?'

A pained look crossed Max's face, then came back and camped there. He couldn't take his eyes off the bruises on her arms.

'I've been obsessing over this for so long, I couldn't see anything else,' he began. 'You offered me a place on your crew, friendship--'

 _More than friendship, Vicar,_ thought Alex. _Not that you'll have me._

'--and I used you to get to Chaney.'

He looked genuinely distraught as he continued.

'And even then, you saved me from myself. I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself had I gone through with it.'

Max reached out, taking her hands in his and finally meeting her eyes again. She wondered if his heart was really in the whole 'I'm too old for you' thing; he sure seemed to be touching her a lot.

'You owe me nothing, I know, but I... I'm begging your forgiveness.'

They stared at each other for a long moment, and Alex realised he was absentmindedly rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. She shook her head, unable to repress the tired smile that broke over her face.

'Of course, just... don't pull any shit like that again, alright? I want to be able to trust you.'

She heard the dark echo in her head: _I need to be able to trust you. I need to trust someone. God, let it be you._

'Thank you. I promise, I'll be nothing but truthful from this point forward. I'll do better.'

He gave her hands a squeeze before letting them drop awkwardly, remembering his own remonstrance.

'Okay. Thank you, Max.'

A few moments of silence passed between them, laden with feelings he had forbidden them from expressing. His eyes flickered back to the bruises on her arms.

'I suppose I should, um, go then.'

Alex just raised her eyebrows. It was rare to see him so uneasy, and she couldn't help but enjoy the spectacle, especially since he'd brought it on himself. He'd brought it on both of them.

'Yes, I'll-- thank you again, Captain.'

He made to leave, but Alex couldn't resist getting the last word and put a hand on his arm. He turned around, their faces unexpectedly close again.

'If you're going to give me this 'I'm too old for you' bullshit,' she said softly, 'remember that you're supposed to be older _and_ wiser, Vicar.'

He swallowed, his throat bobbing as his eyes flickered to her mouth.

'Yes,' he managed. 'Yes, of course. Good day, Captain.'

Alex let him go this time. She had meant it when she said she respected his decision, but it was hard not to push him. Not when he couldn't seem to go two minutes without finding some excuse to touch her, and not when his unilateral decree had left her feeling more isolated than ever.

'Damnit,' she hissed to herself in the empty room.


	4. Shore Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody but _nobody_ fucks with the captain's sexual autonomy.

Alex was struggling. It had barely been a week since her conversation with the vicar, and she was finding it harder than ever to resist her lascivious impulses. For all his time spent studying religious philosophy, Max had neglected basic psychology, and declaring himself off-limits had only made her want him more. She'd tried to respect his wishes, working her poor fingers to exhaustion alone in her bed; she'd even tried _not_ to think about him, although his name had slipped past her lips more times than she'd care to admit.

Taking matters into her own hands, so to speak, had done little to alleviate her mounting frustration, so Alex had declared a night off for the crew and landed in Fallbrook to blow off some steam. Ellie and Nyoka were only too happy to join her in her crusade to drown her sorrows, and they were several cups deep already.

Parvarti had bowed out, stuttering and wide-eyed, when the vodka had appeared, and Felix had also made himself scarce when it became apparent that they needed to have some _girl talk_. Max himself had declined to come out at all, for which Alex had to admit she was grateful, as much as she might like to fantasise about getting him drunk and compromising his morals.

'I have to be honest, Cap,' Ellie said, leaning towards her over their small table, 'I don't see the appeal.'

She waved a hand vaguely in front of her face.

'The moles...' she trailed off, grimacing. 'But you do you, I guess.'

'I don't have much choice,' Alex lamented, gazing pitifully into the dregs of her cup.

Nyoka snorted with laughter. 'You know he still checks you out, right?' she said when she'd caught her breath. 'He thinks he's being sly, but that horny old dog is as subtle as a rapt in heat.'

'What's in it for him, anyway?' Alex muttered. 'What does he get out of blue balling us both?'

'What he _gets_ ,' Ellie intoned, pointing a wise and gently swaying finger towards the captain, 'is to feel self-righteous - and we all know how much he enjoys that.'

'True that,' Nyoka agreed, a lopsided smile on her face as she held up her glass in an impromptu toast to Max's self-righteousness. They all joined in, downing their drinks in the process.

'My round?' Alex asked, although she was already halfway to the bar. When she returned to the table, Ellie and Nyoka were huddled together, and both gave her conspiratorial grins as they leant back in their chairs.

'You know,' Ellie began as the captain sat down, 'you do have options.'

Alex cocked an intrigued eyebrow at her, but it was Nyoka who spoke next.

'Felix? That boy'd do just about anything for you if you asked, Cap, your good self included.'

Alex pulled a face, shaking her head.

'No, it'd be like-- have you guys ever seen a puppy?' Her companions gave her blank looks. 'Just no. Besides, I'd never hear the end of it from Mr Self-Righteous himself.'

'True enough,' Ellie agreed, nodding. 'Lucky for you, that gentleman at the bar has been checking you out since he arrived. Option number two.'

'He sure has, Cap,' Nyoka chimed in. 'Looks like a Byzantium type too - he probably doesn't even have sores on his dick. You've got that room in town and everything.'

Alex looked over at Ellie, who shrugged in a gesture of _well, she's not wrong_. Leaning back a little, the captain dared a glance in her suitor's direction. Sure enough, a well-dressed man was sitting at the far end of the bar, and it didn't take him long to meet her gaze, raising his glass at her.

'Not bad,' Alex acknowledged, returning her attention to the women at her table. 'What do you ladies reckon?'

'Honestly, Cap?' Nyoka said, slurring slightly, 'I think you could do a lot worse, and you're gonna do yourself a harm if'n you keep up like this with the vicar.'

Ellie nodded along sagely, jumping when Nyoka slapped the table. 'Woman's got needs!'

'She's right Captain. Vicky doesn't know what he's missing, and if what you told us about the Hope is really true then you are _long_ overdue a good lay.'

Alex mulled over the proposition. She wasn't prudish about sex - it was the twenty-third century after all - and she wouldn't be the first person to go looking for a substitute in a one-night stand. She cast a sidelong glance at her prospect again: he looked to be about her age, maybe older, and attractive enough. It sounded painfully desperate, even in her head, but that would do. She just wanted a warm body and a good hard fuck to get over this ridiculous infatuation with Max.

'Aw, hell, why not,' she eventually murmured, half to herself, before holding up her drink.

'Fuck Max!' she declared. The other two women cheered, loudly clinking their glasses together.

'Or not,' she added with a wry grin before taking a sip of her drink.

She'd barely put her glass down before both Ellie and Nyoka were getting up out of their seats.

'Well, we best leave you to it then Cap,' Nyoka slurred, stumbling. Ellie caught her, giving the captain finger guns as they both started backing towards the doorway.

'You got this,' she called across the room.

And with that they were gone, leaving a slightly bemused captain sitting alone at the table.

Alex shook her head at their bizarre behaviour, quickly turning her attention to the task at hand: getting laid. She reached up to pull her hair out of its usual bun, smoothing out a few pieces around her face and letting the rest fall haphazardly around her shoulders. It was the best she could do for now, but she was a confident flirt sober, let alone with a drink or two in her. Besides, she had nothing to lose, Alex thought to herself as she made her way over to the bar and prepared her silkiest smile.

* * *

'You're a fascinating woman, Alex,' the man purred, reaching out to put a hand on her knee. 'Captain of your own ship, beholden to no corporation, to no _man_.'

His hand slid upwards and she parted her legs ever so slightly. No point being coy.

'And you said you have a private room in town?' he continued.

They'd been talking for maybe half an hour to forty-five minutes, and it had been sparks and sultry innuendo from the very start. After all the nonsense with Max, it was refreshing to be dealing with someone who had a very clear idea of what he wanted, which was conveniently also exactly what _she_ wanted. 

'Do you think your crew could spare you for the night?'

Alex had upgraded her initial assessment. He was more attractive than she'd given him credit for, and was capable of holding a conversation; if he performed well later, she might even hook up with him again. Who knows when she might need another reprieve from her frustrations?

'I'm sure they can handle themselves,' she replied, leaning forward and inviting his hand to travel further up her leg.

He smiled, and she felt her stomach twist in anticipation. _Finally_.

She was leaning in, about to suggest that they retire for the evening, when a very familiar - and very angry - voice made her jump.

'Captain,' Max growled, 'A word?'

The other man's hand retreated from her leg immediately and he raised his eyebrows at her.

She gave Max a long look before turning back to her companion.

'Another member of my crew,' she said sweetly, casting a sidelong glance at Max, who was visibly bristling. 'Do excuse me for a moment.'

She slid down from her bar stool, taking the opportunity to squeeze the man's leg and give him a very pointed _we're not done yet_ look. Damned if she was going to let Max ruin this for her. She wondered how long he'd been watching them, and why he was even in the bar in the first place.

'Yes, Max?' she asked, making little attempt to veil her exasperation.

'Outside, please.'

It wasn't a request.

She followed him outside and along Fallbrook's central street until they were standing on the porch of her domicile. Max was silent, but his rage was palpable, radiating off him in waves, and Alex found herself growing angry too. She knew exactly how this conversation was going to go, and she wasn't going to stand for it.

'What do you want, Max?' she asked, crossing her arms. 'I'm busy.'

She was _not_ prepared for the speed or violence of his reaction. He spun on his heel and slammed a hand against the wall behind her, pressing her against the cold metal with his body.

'I can see that,' he hissed. 'Whoring yourself out to the first Byzantine gold-blood you can find.'

Alex felt pain welling up in her chest. His judgement hurt more than she cared to admit, as unfair as she knew it was: she was only doing this to try and cope with the situation _he_ had put them in. How _dare_ he?

Max watched the kaleidoscope of emotions pass across her face, already feeling the beginnings of regret through his anger. Alex eventually managed to arrange her face into a defensive sneer.

'So what if I am?' she said. 'What has that got to do with you?'

'Have some self-respect, _Captain_.' He spat the last word, looming over her as he spoke.

'Oh, fuck you. That isn't what this is about and you know it,' she shot back, unintimidated. 'If you can't have me, no one can - is that it?'

'I watched him put his filthy hands all over you. You don't even know him,' he growled. 'You aren't _anything_ to him.'

'And what am I to _you_? Am I your captain or your property? Because you don't seem to want to treat me like anything else.'

Alex glared up at him over the bare few inches between them, their breath mingling as she fumed at him. She seemed to have struck a chord, however; she recognised the signs of his anger retreating.

'You said it yourself,' she went on, still irate. 'I don't owe you anything. If you won't get over yourself and fuck me, I'll damn well find someone else who will.' 

'Alex, please--'

'Please what?' she spat. 'You do _not_ get to tell me what to do, you pompous asshole.'

Despite herself, she found her eyes flickering to his mouth.

'You've made your bed, Max. What I do in mine in has nothing to do with you.' She looked away from him, her own rage beginning to peter out into dull resentment and regret. 'Isn't that what you wanted?'

Silence drew out between them as Alex listened to the blood pumping in her ears. She was acutely aware of how close they were standing, and how much she wished it were closer, despite her frustration with him. It was still him she really wanted, after all, not some stranger in a bar.

'If that's everything you wanted to say, then please let me go.'

Max hesitated a moment before stepping back, but he caught her wrist as she made to step around him.

'Alex...'

He didn't want her to go, didn't want her to return to that slick Byzantine interloper - and _definitely_ didn't want her to sleep with him. The thought of anyone else touching her like that made him feel sick, but there was nothing he could reasonably say to stop her. She was right: he had forfeited any say he had in the matter with his diktat about their relationship, even though it was painfully clear to both of them that his heart wasn't in it.

'What do you want from me?' she asked, defeated.

Alex felt very exposed, and the skin of her wrist was hot where Max held it.

'I don't want you to do something you'll regret because of--' Max cut himself off, but she finished his sentence for him.

'Because of you?' She laughed quietly. 'Max, you torture yourself enough as it is. You don't need to torture yourself on my account as well, although I suspect it's a little late for that.'

She met his eye with a sad smile, and he recognised there the compassion that he so admired. Her anger was gone, and so was his.

'You know how I feel about you,' she said. He did know, although hearing her admit it still made his heart race. 'I hate watching you torment yourself, about this and everything else.'

She sighed, looking away from him. 'But it isn't fair to inflict it on me as well. If you really aren't comfortable with the idea of _us_ ,' she said, biting her lip, 'then you have to let me go.'

'I know.' He released her wrist, as if to prove the point. They were still standing close to each other, and Alex looked back up into his eyes.

'I'm sorry,' he said. There were a thousand other things he wanted to say, but none of them could find their way past his lips. Sorry was all he could manage - and he was. He was sorry.

'Me too,' Alex replied. 'Goodnight, Max.'

She turned to leave again, and this time he didn't stop her.

Her suitor was waiting outside the entrance to the bar, looking impatient. When Alex came into view down the street, he tutted at her.

'It's rude to keep a gentleman waiting, you know.'

She was suddenly overcome with exhaustion and decided she'd had quite enough of men and their bullshit for one night.

'Change of plans,' she told him. 'Thanks for the drinks, but--'

'Ah ah ah,' he interrupted her, grabbing her arm. 'I don't think so. I spent good bits on you, my dear. I'm going to get my money's worth.'

After a moment of tired shock, Alex felt her fury return tenfold - at Max, at the Board, at the whole damn mess that was Halcyon, and most of all at this creep.

'Get the fuck off me,' she said, trying to wrench her arm away. He held on, narrowing his eyes at her, and somewhere behind her she heard Max's voice.

'Know your place,' the man hissed, shaking her. 'A nobody like you should be _begging_ to suck my cock.' 

She didn't even have time to think, her body responding before she had any say in the matter. Alex wasn't particularly strong, but sheer rage drove her first into the man's face with enough velocity to do some damage. He stumbled backwards, letting go of her and rubbing at his jaw as blood began to pour from his nose.

'I am sick of fucking _men_ telling me what I should or shouldn't do,' she growled, advancing on him. 'I will do _who_ I want, _when_ I want, and I will castrate the next asshole who tries to tell me otherwise.'

'You little whore,' the Byzantine spat, lunging at her. She dodged to one side and he fell to the floor, where she was unable to stop herself from kicking him once, twice, again and again. Blinded by rage, she didn't register the SubLight guards spring from their posts, didn't see them levelling their guns at her or hear their warnings. She barely even noticed when strong arms restrained her.

'Captain.' Alex heard Max's voice next to her ear, remarkably measured and gentle. 'Stop.'

She continued to writhe in his arms, tugging to be let free even as the red haze began to seep from her vision.

'Alex,' Max whispered, his mouth so close that his lips brushed her ear. He could feel her whole body trembling against him.

On the ground below, the suitor-that-was began to stir, spitting blood and groaning. A crowd had gathered around them.

'Do something,' he rasped, trying and failing to stand.

'You'll need to come with us,' one of the SubLight guards ordered, pointing their gun at Alex and Max. The captain and her crew weren't unknown in Fallbrook; being in Catherine's good graces was probably the only reason she hadn't been shot already.

Alex had stopped struggling, and Max let her go to step between her and the guards.

'That won't be necessary,' he said. A statement, not a question.

The Byzantine gold-blood spluttered, fighting his way to his feet.

'You're not just going to let them get away with this, are you?'

Max remained silent, allowing his best _don't fuck with me_ expression to do the talking. A few of the guards exchanged looks, trying to weigh up their chances, deciding whose ire they'd rather incur. A tense silence stretched out as the gathered onlookers held their collective breath. One of the guards eventually made a decision, backing up and returning to their post without another word. The rest soon followed.

'You'll regret this,' said the gold-blood, wiping more blood onto his very expensive sleeve. He gave the vicar a contemptuous look. 'You can have her, for all I care. The little slut isn't worth my time.'

It took a great deal of self-control for Max not to punch the man himself, although his mind did not fail to remind him that he had spoken similarly to his captain only minutes before. He watched the entitled prick totter away. When he turned around, Max realised that Alex was gone.


	5. The Temptation of Saint Anthony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parvarti is so pure. <3

‘That could have gone better,’ Ellie observed, wincing as she nursed a hangover in the kitchen.

‘Ya, no shit,’ Nyoka replied.

They shared a guilty look. In retrospect, their genius plan to get the captain and the vicar together had not, in fact, been so genius. When they had stumbled back to the ship the previous night, gleefully informing Max of the captain’s imminent hookup, they hadn’t expected him to spend half an hour in his room working himself up. By the sounds of it, things were worse than ever. And Alex _still_ hadn’t got laid.

Nyoka grimaced. ‘Should we go see how she is?’

The captain hadn’t come back to the ship last night either, holing up in her Fallbrook domicile instead.

Ellie shook her head. ‘Better to leave her alone until she’s ready. We’ve done enough damage.’

They heard the quiet whoosh of a door opening as the vicar emerged from his quarters. It was clear that he hadn’t slept since they’d talked to him the night before, and he didn’t say a word as he crossed the kitchen to make himself a coffee, or what passed for one in the colony. The silence was tense, and when Max eventually spoke, he didn’t lift his eyes from his drink.

‘Has she come back yet?’

‘Not yet.’

He just nodded, turning to head back to his room.

‘Hey, Vic,’ Ellie called out, making Max pause in his doorway. ‘I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have…’

‘Probably not,’ he agreed, ‘but yours was by far the least egregious sin of the evening.’

When the captain finally did return to the ship, even ADA had the good sense to be polite. Whether they realised it or not, the whole crew had been tensely anticipating Alex’s return, and the sound of the airlock was unmistakable. They shot looks at each other across the kitchen table, and more than one pair of eyes widened when they heard Max’s door open, his footsteps retreating down the hall.

‘What is he _doing_?’ Parvarti asked, unable to lower her voice past a stage whisper.

‘Causing more trouble, I suspect,’ said Ellie, her face grim. A few moments of tense silence slipped by before Felix spoke.

‘Should we… stop him?’

Nyoka shook her head. ‘Look where interfering got us. If those two are ever gonna work it out, we just gotta let ‘em.’

‘But what if— what if they can’t?’ Parvarti cried, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a rush, ‘What if they can’t and the vicar leaves and the captain gets sad again, like you know how she gets when she thinks no one’s looking and—’

‘Come on, kid,’ said Nyoka, getting up. ‘Let’s get you to the engine room before you worry yourself half to death.’ 

‘O-okay,’ the mechanic stammered, still wide-eyed and fearful as Nyoka led her away.

‘You can tell me more about Junlei,’ Nyoka offered, throwing a weary look back over her shoulder as Parvarti visibly perked up.

‘You know,’ Ellie said to Felix, ‘I wish the captain had just agreed to fuck you instead.’

He wasn’t drinking anything, but somehow managed to choke all the same.

‘W-what?!’

* * *

‘Captain, I need to speak with you.’

Max could feel the reluctance in the captain’s quarters like a physical force, pulsing outward and buckling the metal walls of the ship, and the door opened after what seemed like an age. Standing on the other side of it, Alex looked exhausted. She’d been crying.

‘Max, I really don’t—’

‘I’m leaving the Unreliable.’

She blinked at him.

‘What? No.’ She stood back from the doorway, inviting him in. The door closed behind him, and they were alone together again.

‘I’ve thought a great deal on what you said last night—’

‘Max, I was—’

‘—and you’re right. I’ve been selfish—’

‘Max—’

‘—it never occurred to me that I might be hurting you, not to mention the things I said—’

‘ _Max_ ,’ Alex finally raised her voice, breaking through his monologue. ‘You’re doing it again.’

‘Doing what?’

She sighed, giving him a pointed look. ‘Making other people’s decisions for them.’

‘I don’t think you actually want to leave,’ she went on, ‘I think you think _I_ want you to leave, and instead of just asking me, you’ve spent all night tying yourself in knots trying to divine the _right thing to do_.’

Max was astonished to see an exhausted smile spread across her face. ‘Is that about right?’

‘You know me better than I know myself, Captain.’

She _was_ right. He’d been playing this scenario over and over in his head all night, and not once had he imagined his flaws being met with compassion. Max was an angry man, he knew that; he tried to be better than himself and often failed. He expected no forgiveness, yet here it was — he hadn’t even been able to perceive the possibility, so blinded was he by his own ruminations.

‘God, you drive me crazy sometimes,’ Alex murmured, half to herself, sitting heavily on the edge of the bunk and running her hands through her hair. ‘Yes, you’re an ass. Yes, last night was a shitshow. And yes, your celibacy bullshit feels like a cruel joke.’

‘But no, I don’t want you to leave,’ she said, looking up at him. ‘I won’t stop you though, if that’s what you really want.’

He sat down next to her, their knees touching. ‘It isn’t.’

‘Good.’

She closed her eyes and Max took the rare opportunity to let his gaze roam openly over her face. She looked as drained as he felt, and his hands ached to touch her. He wanted to hold her until everything was okay again.

‘I’m sorry,’ he eventually said. ‘I promised you I’d do better, and instead I was—’

‘A possessive asshole?’ she finished for him, looking up again with a tired smile. She shook her head. ‘Besides, if having you apologise is the only way I can get you alone in here, I’ll take it.’

Her smile turned sad as she went on. ‘It wasn’t exactly my finest hour, either.’

‘I think we can both agree he deserved it.’

‘Maybe he did… but, well,’ she glanced at him, ‘I don’t need to tell you that losing control like that doesn’t feel good.’

‘Oh, it does, Captain,’ Max said, ‘let’s not lie to ourselves about that. It’s how it feels afterwards that’s the problem.’

Despite herself, she laughed. ‘How you ever became a priest, I don’t know.’

‘I excel at confessional listening,’ he said, smiling at her. ‘And I’m exceptionally good at _guilt_.’

Alex’s eyes flickered briefly to his mouth, and her words from last night echoed in his mind: _you know how I feel about you_. She looked away from him again, running another hand through her hair as the smile fell from her face.

‘What is it, Alex?’

She hesitated before she spoke, unable to look at him.

‘God, Max. I just— please don’t leave. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t even know where I am. I think I’m still in the Hope. I can’t _do this_ without—’

Her voice choked off and she covered her eyes with one hand, but not before Max saw tears glistening on her cheek. It was the final straw for his already depleted self-restraint, and he wrapped his arms around her without even thinking.

Alex was warm, turning towards him and pressing her face into the crook of his neck like it was the most natural thing in the world. He felt her tears wet against his skin and something protective coiled in his gut; he’d had no idea she was in so much pain. One of her hands fisted in the front of his vestments.

‘I’m not going to go anywhere,’ he murmured, stroking her hair. ‘Not while you still want me here.’

She was trembling as she tried to stay in control of herself, and Max thought his heart might burst with the tenderness he felt. He held her closer, making gentle shushing noises and pressing his lips against her hair. They stayed that way for a few moments as she shook silently against him.

‘I’m sorry,’ she eventually mumbled against his neck. She drew back a little, letting go of his shirt and wiping at her eyes. ‘It’s just been a really long…’

Alex laughed quietly, shaking her head slightly. ‘However long it’s been since Phineas woke me up.’

She looked up at him, her eyes still limned with tears, and gave him a wan smile. He’d never seen the captain so fragile; she looked like she might break into pieces at any minute. He stroked her hair again, wiping a fresh tear her from her cheek and wondering if she felt like this all the time.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said again, ‘it isn’t your job to—’

He cut her off with a soft kiss. It was all he could do. It was all he _wanted_ to do. Alex tensed up for a moment, then started kissing him back, the hand on his chest sliding up into his hair. She felt so good pressed against him, warm and hungry; not sad anymore, not for a while.

Swimming in the sensation of her mouth on his, Max tried to ignore the guilt that nipped at the back of his mind, focusing instead on the feel of her hip as he squeezed it. She deserved better than him. He knew that. But _Law_ , he wanted her. He wanted to be whatever she needed.

 _What she needs,_ he heard the voice in his head, _is more than what you can give her. You’re an angry old husk with a grudge. What could you possibly have to offer someone like her?_

‘Max?’

She had drawn back from him, her eyes searching his face. Whatever she found there, it made her look abruptly away and withdraw her hand from his neck. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—’

‘It’s okay,’ he said quietly, removing his hand from her hip. ‘I started it, after all.’

The moment was over, but neither of them really wanted it to be; they remained sitting next to each other, the length of her thigh pressed along his.

‘I don’t know what you _want_ , Max. I want to respect your decision, but…’

Alex trailed off, glancing sidelong at him for a few seconds before looking away again.

‘But I’m not making it easy, I know. I’m sorry. This was my fault.’

And here it came, the explosion of guilt. It coursed through his veins, singing through every nerve in excruciating harmony: _you don’t deserve her._

Alex sighed, running a hand through her hair and wiping roughly at her cheeks again.

‘Max, do you have any idea—’ she cut herself off, shaking her head and starting over. ‘I don’t want to be another source of guilt for you. I don’t deserve to be made into an object of shame.’

‘I know.’ The next words fell out of his mouth without his permission. ‘You’re so much more than that, Captain.’

She gave him a look that said _see, this is what I mean._

‘You need to decide whether you want this, Max. Whether you want _me_ — and whether you want it more than another excuse to flagellate yourself over your own perceived failings.’

Despite everything, he laughed, and some of the tension bled out of the air.

‘Am I that transparent?’

Alex raised an eyebrow at him, finding a smile. ‘You’re not the invisible observer of the Plan you think you are, no.’ She sighed again. ‘Look, I’m sorry—’

‘No, don’t apologise,’ he cut her off. ‘You’re right. Until I can reconcile my feelings,’ his eyes flickered to her mouth as he said the word, ‘this will— we will—’

He stuttered to a halt, his brow furrowing. Alex watched as the expression deepened the lines around his eyes, making him seem older than he was. In an earlier life, she might have agreed with him, might have looked in on the same situation and called it perverse — but this was the next life, and it already felt too short. Besides, she was increasingly certain that his supposed objections had very little to do with their respective ages at all.

‘I… have a lot to think about,’ he eventually said, standing up and holding out a gentlemanly hand for her to take as she stood.

‘Yeah, I guess you do.’

Standing next to him, she held onto his hand for longer than strictly necessary before finally letting go to walk over to the stairs and see him out.

‘Max, I need you to know that—’ she bit her lip, ‘that whatever happens, I want you on my crew.’

She laughed, shaking her head and sniffling slightly. ‘Sometimes I feel like you’re the only other sane person in the whole damn colony. I _need_ you, in whatever capacity you’re willing to…’

She trailed off. ‘Serve’ wasn’t the right word, not if they were going to be what she wanted them to be.

‘I understand, Captain.’

Alex tried to smile at him, but it didn’t land quite right, and Max felt the guilt in his stomach twist deeper.


End file.
